Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
