Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
