i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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