I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
