Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
