Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
