So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
