there was a trapeze. enough said
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
