dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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