I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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