If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
