Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
