You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
