so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
