I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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