i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
