I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
