$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We are two peas in an std pod
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
