I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
