rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
