I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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