the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Are my feet made of real feet?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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