she smelled like a LAN party
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
