Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We are all done wearing pants today
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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