hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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