I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
