Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
did you just send me my own nude
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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