Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
