I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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