How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will be naked everywhere
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
