She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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