they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
