You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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