i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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