The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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