Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
