I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
