i need an iv and a liver transplant
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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