I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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