what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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