so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
