I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
