I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My first STD was from a foam party
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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