they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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