sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
