cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
