I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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