Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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