I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
