I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
