Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
